Mum got angry at me for never suggesting sensible dinner options. So I suggested one, but my sister cracked the shits because she doesn't like what we're having. Somehow I came out of this situation as the bad guy. That's beyond my belief. 

So, blog, I'd like to share something exciting with you. I applied for med school last week! My grades have improved out of sight (I'm now above average for my course) and I've gotten over my agoraphobia and I can now catch the train and function normally in public, I can detach myself from my emotions and not get involved in damaging friendships. That's a complete turn around from a year ago. And I'll say it again, I applied for med school last week! This is exciting yes?

No one has even noticed.

But in really, really exciting, life changing news, my sister got a bottle of champagne at her casual waitressing job for having a good night of sales and my brother knows someone who was on the news. How proud my parents must be of them. 

But you know what, maybe it's a good thing that I can't share my success with my family. Then they can't claim to have any beneficial part in it, because if anything they've all just been a detriment the last few years. 

Reflection

My psychologist and I are beginning to wrap things up, link things together and work out where the issues are in my life and how I can overcome them. One of the things she wants me to do is to reflect each day, to step back from my life and look at everything from an objective point of view. This way, I should be able to detach myself from my previous life and become a new sort of person I guess. So like all young white middle class students, I thought I'd blog about it. 


One of the things I talk about most with my psych is my family, particularly my parents. People laugh when I attribute my problems to Middle Child Syndrome, and maybe it's just my particular family dynamic, but it really is the source of all evil in my life. Each person in a family plays roles, my brother is the highly intelligent one who isn't exactly great socially and has anger management issues and is having a bit of trouble flying out of the nest. My sister is the sick one, the one who has every health issue under the sun and she's also the baby of the family, and the not so smart one. The one who needs help with every single decision, yet is pedantic and no decision is good enough for her. Dad is the victim, everyone's out to hurt him. And mum is the Type A, over organised, super controlling, anxious one. 
Where does this leave me? I'm the hassle, the brat, the rebel, the intolerant one, the attention seeker, the bitch, the constant annoyance, the ungrateful one. Everything is always my fault and there's no such thing as an accident or merely forgetting something, I deliberately do things just to piss everyone off. 
I sometimes think that I'm just being overly sensitive and there really is no difference between the way my parents treat my siblings and how they treat me, but my psych thinks I'm just self-judging. I've been taught to be very selfless, to always share and that nothing is mine and mine alone. Not because my parents think these are good qualities, but because giving me something to myself would be taking a potential opportunity off my siblings. Even things I've bought for myself are not mine alone. I own nothing, I have the right to nothing, not least of all is my privacy. I have no privacy. Hell, someone in my family will even find this blog and kick up a big fat fuss about it because how dare I express the way I constantly feel. I think even if my family found out I saw these things to my psychologist they'd get angry. They would never stop and reflect and realise that they, in fact, do treat me differently. Because that's not how it works in this family, I complain and I'm just complaining. 


I have OCD and every time I start doing my compulsive behaviours Mum whacks me in the arm. This would be fine, but OCD is not simply a habit and being hit every time you start doing something is not an effective method of treatment. Also, since I started on some new medication, I do not like being touched. At all. I don't mind if I have approved of something touching me, but without consent it literally hurts. Just touching my face hurts. So imagine my annoyance when I start OCDing and I get hit across the chest, so I told mum not to do that. She disagreed and said it was the only thing that stopped me from doing it. I told her it's actually making it worse because it leads to anxiety anxiety leads to OCD blah blah. But she continued to do it. I told her again, DON'T I really do not like it. She continues to do it. 


I think no one in my family quite understands the depth of my anxiety. They still think I'm just attention seeking. 
Believe it or not, this IS me looking at it objectively. Subjectively I would actually be more likely to be hating on myself than on other people. 


Le sigh